I'm not sure if this is going to be an upbeat blog to visit anytime soon. It's not that I'm depressed all of the time, but I'm grieving, even though my mother is still alive. I'm not much in the mood to run giveaway contests, post product recommendations or track my kids' shenanigans right now. I love being with Mami, my brother, sister and their families, but I'm also reminded every day of the undeniable fact that my mother is dying. And not in the "we're all going to die some day" way, but soon, soon, soon. OK, not today, tomorrow, next week or perhaps even next month, but SOON. SOON. SOON.
Yesterday I had my first breakdown since coming down July 27th. Mami said she wanted to look for a piece of jewelry to leave to my youngest niece, who is 21 months old. She also asked me to help her find a sapphire ring my father gave her; she wants to give it to the Schmoopette. My composure completely cracked then, and I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Mami turned herself away from me while I cried and suggested I put the baby down (he was sleeping in my arms). I took that as a directive to leave, so I went to my 13-year-old niece's room, where I've been sleeping, and cried. After a while I decided to take a shower, and I cried again, knowing no one could hear me over the sound of the running water.
I've come to realize that in addition to being sad, I'm also quite angry. I'm angry and bitter that some people live until their 60s before their parents die. I'm angry that my father died when I was two, and that I mistakenly assumed that God would allow us to keep our mother until she was in her 80s. I'm angry that I'll be parentless, an orphan at 32 (my birthday is in September). I'm angry that I live three states away from my brother in New York and four states away from my sister and brother in Florida. How will I get through this without them?
I'm also worried. I'm worried that after my mom's heart stops beating I'll stop being who I am. Not completely, but enough for those who love me to notice. That I won't be as kind or sweet or funny or loving. That I'll turn into a bitter, weepy shrew of a woman who lashes out irrationally at her kids and her husband. That I'll be angry at my husband for having two living, healthy parents who are older than Mami. That I'll dread Mother's Day Thanksgiving and Christmas. That I'll feel alone, even though I know I won't be...
This is my life, trying to keep going as normal as can be while always being aware of the fact that my mother is dying. Soon.
Photo credit: "Grief and sorrow" by Javier Kohen on Flickr