This week, American Idol contestant Kris Allen sang "Falling Slowly," a song many viewers had never heard. About five weeks after Mami died, the husband and I caught the independent film Once on HBO. I knew about the movie, the Oscar-winning song, and the Irish-Czech duo, but I had never actually seen it. When "Falling Slowly" started playing, I just started weeping. I couldn't stop. It was so, so beautiful.
*I* felt like a "sinking boat" unable to fully emerge from the depths of my grief. Despite my faith, I did not feel like I had a home to point to, because my mother, my home, was gone. Fast forward to Easter weekend, when I visited her (and my father's) grave for the first time since her ashes were buried. I still felt that numbing, drowning feeling.
It's a sobering realization. You. Have. No. Home. Yes, I have an address. Yes, my children have a home that my husband and I are creating day by day. But me? No. Because your home is also your history, and your history changes -- gets fuzzier -- when there's no one left to tell it the way it was. I have no one to tell me about what kind of baby I was; no one who worries about me every day; no one who can answer my questions about family minutia; no one who, as someone once said, has to take you in when you have nowhere else to go.
So here I am, a sinking boat, but I desperately want to raise a hopeful voice. I pray I can raise it soon.
I love that movie and music.
Still praying for you Sandie. Just remember that you are blessed to be home for three beautiful children!
Posted by: Christi L | April 17, 2009 at 12:44 PM
We, your three older sibs, can tell you what kind of a baby you were...and as long as there is breath in my body I will always take you in whenever you need a place. Your're my little sis, so I have to take you in no matter what.
Like the old saying goes, "Home is where the heart is." YOU are a mother now. Create a place that your kids will always remember when THEY think of THEIR home. Otherwise, you and Hans are just making a huge mortgage payment on walls and a roof.
Posted by: Diana | April 28, 2009 at 04:59 PM
Now my eyes are all teary...
Your sister said it so well.
Thinking of you!
Posted by: Kirstin | April 30, 2009 at 07:08 PM