Soon

I'm not sure if this is going to be an upbeat blog to visit anytime soon. It's not that I'm depressed all of the time, but I'm grieving, even though my mother is still alive. I'm not much in the mood to run giveaway contests, post product recommendations or track my kids' shenanigans right now. I love being with Mami, my brother, sister and their families, but I'm also reminded every day of the undeniable fact that my mother is dying. And not in the "we're all going to die some day" way, but soon, soon, soon. OK, not today, tomorrow, next week or perhaps even next month, but SOON. SOON. SOON.

Yesterday I had my first breakdown since coming down July 27th. Mami said she wanted to look for a piece of jewelry to leave to my youngest niece, who is 21 months old. She also asked me to help her find a sapphire ring my father gave her; she wants to give it to the Schmoopette. My composure completely cracked then, and I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Mami turned herself away from me while I cried and suggested I put the baby down (he was sleeping in my arms). I took that as a directive to leave, so I went to my 13-year-old niece's room, where I've been sleeping, and cried. After a while I decided to take a shower, and I cried again, knowing no one could hear me over the sound of the running water.

I've come to realize that in addition to being sad, I'm also quite angry. I'm angry and bitter that some people live until their 60s before their parents die. I'm angry that my father died when I was two, and that I mistakenly assumed that God would allow us to keep our mother until she was in her 80s. I'm angry that I'll be parentless, an orphan at 32 (my birthday is in September). I'm angry that I live three states away from my brother in New York and four states away from my sister and brother in Florida. How will I get through this without them?

I'm also worried. I'm worried that after my mom's heart stops beating I'll stop being who I am. Not completely, but enough for those who love me to notice. That I won't be as kind or sweet or funny or loving. That I'll turn into a bitter, weepy shrew of a woman who lashes out irrationally at her kids and her husband. That I'll be angry at my husband for having two living, healthy parents who are older than Mami. That I'll dread Mother's Day Thanksgiving and Christmas. That I'll feel alone, even though I know I won't be...

This is my life, trying to keep going as normal as can be while always being aware of the fact that my mother is dying. Soon.

Photo credit: "Grief and sorrow" by Javier Kohen on Flickr

Comments

[Toni]

Oh, my friend, I don't have anything to say except I'm so deeply sorry this is happening to you. And I'm here, any time, if you need a virtual shoulder.

[MamaBird/SurelyYouNest]

Like Toni said. I am so sorry for your ongoing loss...

[Mary Jenkins]

i can't even imagine how difficult it must be. i was raised by my grandparents, and they died while i was in my early 20's. i guess i should have expected that, but it was still a blow. The lengthy process of them suffering and dying was far worse than the grieving period for me. what do you talk about with a person who is dying? what kind of christmas present do you give someone who knows there time has come? while my grandmother was dying, she said she thought it was harder for me than it was for her. she might have been right.it was the most painful experience i have ever endured.my heart aches for you. i'll be thinking about you..

[Ruth Ann]

My dearest friend, I will not attempt to share any words of wisdom or advice on how to handle this most difficult situation, but I will offer you my shoulder to cry on, ears to listen, and many many prayers for your peace, comfort, and strength in the days ahead. Te amo mucho.

[Leticia- Tech Savvy Mama]

I am so sorry to hear about everything you are going through. Like Ruth Ann, I don't have any words of wisdom but don't think that you will change your sweet, funny, or loving ways like you worry about. Those are ingrained with you for life. Instead you may find a new kind of strength that you didn't know you had before. Be as strong as you can and know I'm thinking of you and sending tons of virtual hugs!!!

[Amy - Selfish Mom]

Oh Sandie, I'm so sorry, I had no idea that you were going through this. I have no words of wisdom for you, just a big hug. And don't take it out on your husband, you'll need him more than ever.

[Lara]

Grieving is hard business. So soul-sapping. Necessary. Normal. But never easy.

[Sinyee]

We are so lucky to have your mom, my mother-in-law, and Isabella's abuela in our lives. To me, she still looks strong, but only you, Louis, Diana, and Jorge know her best. She is strong and beautiful still and in my eyes, she is the same as she was before, although a little thinner. I hope that you can see through more hopeful eyes that she will be around us for a lot longer than you think. But even when the time comes, she will still be with us in our hearts because she truly did raise you four to be wonderful adults and that spirit will live on forever.

[guest]

It is hard to watch a parent die. I went thru this three years ago. Every time there was a hospital emergency or I received a call at work for approximately 7 months, I was like "is this it?" Then there were those epiphany moments in between that I know would stick with me for ever. Its hard but you have to go through the feelings to get through. What helped me is knowing that she wasn't really gone because she lives on in each and everyone one of her children and grandchildren.

[Jorge Angulo]

Do not be afraid my little sister. Do not be afraid. Cry, be angry, let your emotions out. But rest. Rest in the assurance that you do not need to be afraid.
As when Papi died, it was so hard for so long, but now when I hear Isabella say that magical word "Papi" it takes me back to that place when I was 11 and at Yankee stadium. We were there for the Old Timer's Game and Mickey Mantle almost hit a homerun. The Yanks played the Twins and Lou Pinella tried to steal home (he was out, the fat pug). But Papi is with me. I know it. Just with that word that was gone for so long in my life.
When I was going through the worst of my illness earlier this year I realized that love never dies. So too, you will see that when the time comes after you will hear Delia say that magical word "Mami," and you will go back to that place when you spoke it. You will look at her and see yourself and love will be there like never before. Do not be afraid. Enjoy now mami's stories, her humor, her breath, her smile. Enjoy it. Death is not the end. We Colombians believe in spirits visiting all the time. Tia Toma visits me often, as does Papi. I think Mama, Ele and Eli try to visit you.

So love Mami now. Enjoy the time left. Let her leave you her legacy of strength and courage. I am glad that you are down here. I love you.

[PunditMom]

I am so sorry. I wish I had something I could say to help, but please know that I'm thinking of you.

[Jenn (jordynsmommy)]

Sandie, i am so sorry for all the emotional pain that you are going through. I wish you strength and peace for the challenging days ahead. Your mami will be in my prayers!!!

[WhyMommy]

Sending you strength. And, when you need it, the strength to cry and to talk about it.

Hang in there.

[shannanb aka Mommy Bits]

Wow. I know we only met at BlogHer but please know that your mother is in my thoughts and prayers.

[Jeannine]

Sandie, I'm thinking of you, your mom, brothers, sisters, kids, all of you. I know this affects each of you in such different ways but I think it's probably one of the most difficult things a daughter ever has to go through. I'm just so sorry you are going through this and I'm here if you need anything!

[YFGH]

Sandie...I have often thought birth and death are so similar...so spiritual. I have never seen God work so clearly as I watched him at times of letting loved ones go, it is as though he holds us like his little babies, we can stomp our feet, rage but he lifts us up and holds us tightly whispering we will be ok...Sandie...you are your Mami's delight, her baby, a joy to her mother heart... the love that surrounds your mother, cannot be described with words