Urban Mama

My Daughter and her Theory on Race

My 6-year-old daughter, aka the Schmoopette, is about to join a brand-new Daisy Troop at her elementary school. In it will be several of her closest friends in the world (we mothers were pretty much commanded by our kindergartners to enroll them -- and it's hard to fight a pack of pleading five-and-six-year-old girls). Those friends (thanks to us living in a diverse suburb of the nation's capital) are everything from traditionally biracial to half-Jewish, half-German, white Mormon to black adopted by white parents, to name just a few of the girls.

While I think how wonderful it is that we can still find a culturally heterogeneous community outside of New York -- where our oldest son's preschool class was once completely multicultural except for two white kids who had gay parents -- what I think is even more wonderful is that my daughter doesn't really "see" the diversity the same way.

She has no idea that our decision to move to this neighborhood instead of the smallest house in a tonier neighborhood with the best high-schools in the State was motivated by our desire to make sure our kids didn't go to schools -- even fantastic ones -- that were 80 or 90-percent white and Jewish. She just has friends, period. Despite knowing about adoption, she didn't even realize her good friend was adopted, despite the fact her friend is black and both her parents are white. She said to me one day late last year, "I just thought they didn't match on the outside, the way you and Daddy don't match but still belong together," so I told her, "That's right, we match on the inside."

And that's how we've come to think about race. People may not look like they "belong together." I may always get asked where I "got" my kids from (they all look tremendously alike, but our oldest looks more Filipino, our daughter Polynesian, and our baby Chinese), and they will have friends who ask them sweetly and possibly one day not-so-sweetly, "What are you?" But that's OK, because my daughter has learned, without me even having to really teach her, that it's who you are, who you love, what people you "belong to" on the inside that counts.

A Worthy Organization

Many of you reading this know my kick-ass friend Susan, aka WhyMommy, who has been fighting cancer for more than three years. A few weeks ago, she and another amazing friend Sue, of Laundry for Six, announced a new nonprofit venture that will help women with breast cancer get access to much-needed compression sleeves if they suffer from lymphedema.

I also wanted to share how important I think this issue is, because my own mother struggled with lymphedema, and I know she would have absolutely loved these stylish sleeves. I urge you to consider donating to the cause, so more and more women can get what they need!

If you want to more about the collaboration between Crickett's Answer and LympheDIVAS, please visit Susan's blog, and find out how you can help women with breast cancer!

 

Thankful For...

I'm so late with this, but I think it's important to stop and count blessings. Even though Thanksgiving weekend is long gone, here are five quick reasons I'm thankful right this minute.

1. Everyone in my family -- nuclear and extended to my siblings and their kids -- has everything they *need.* We love each other unconditionally (not something everyone experiences, sadly) and are always there to lend support or encouragement. I have an amazing husband who loves to cook (score!) and lovely, bright, hilarious children, nieces and nephews. And my siblings. I couldn't function without them. They're my three rocks, keeping me buouyed to my past. Their spouses deserve awards for putting up with the rest of us.


2. I have a sweet tribe of friends here who aren't related to me but feel like an extension of my family. I'm thank for The Commune of Dave, Jen, their kids and neighbors who let us stop by literally whenever we need our spirits lifted; our pre-DC friends Mike and Tori and their boys who whisk us away on daytrips and weeklong vacations; my online-turned-real-life kindred spirit Wife and Mommy and her adorable husband and kids; Our favorite Anglo-American clan headed by Mica and Ben, who just had a baby this Thanksgiving weekend; and my go-to mom pal Kirstin who meets me every week for coffee and a playdate -- to name a few people who make life here in the suburbs livable.


3. I have nutured friendships with my local group of bloggers who amaze and inspire me with their words and deeds every day. They know who they are. I've been to conferences with them (where I've slept with a couple of them, ha ha!), met them at events, movies, lunches, brunches, and pow wows. I feel lucky to be one of The DC-area Moms Who Blog.


4. I have a fun job I never tire of, even when my editor Betsy assigns me a crap movie or I'm six DVD reviews behind or can't think of one more Hollywood red-head, I can't complain. I get paid to write about movies and TV and pop-culture, which was always my dream. So thanks to my friends at Common Sense Media, Moviefone, TV Squad and Variety for throwing work my way.


5.  We finally heard from the "Lottery Commission," and it looks like things are a go. This situation has caused us a lot of grief for the past four months, and it looks (fingers crossed) like it's finally resolved, and for the positive.

 

Blogalicious Favorites

Last year I was so thrown for a loop over my stolen iPhone, I forgot to write about the amazing blogging conference I attended. For the second year in a row, I went to Blogalicious, which is run by the three smart, savvy, hard-working MamaLaw ladies, one of whom is a good friend. I once again roomed with my local blogging pals Leticia and Kim (who celebrated her birthday while we were down there!), and we lived it up South Beach style for four days.

What I love about Blogalicious is that it's smaller than the other conferences, so there's more opportunity for conversation with other women, more access to organizations and brands, more time to get to know bloggers in an intimate setting. It's also well-organized and so much fun. Here are my personal "favorites" from the 2010 Blogalicious conference:

Favorite bloggers I met:

1. Ellen a.k.a. Love That Max: Oh Ellen, how I love you. I could write a sonnet proclaiming how fantastic she is, and after talking nonstop for two hours one night, we realized we're kindred spirits with similar backgrounds in journalism (although hers is definitely more prestigious) and the same taste in friends. Ellen is one of those women who can head an entire magazine, give a workshop on writing, befriend Sharon Osbourne and shake her booty playing Just Dance without an ounce of self-importance. She writes primarily about parenting a child with special needs but also about motherhood in general with a humor and grace that's irresistible. Go read her blog, now!

2. Beti a.k.a. Poly Republic: I literally met her the very last morning of the conference, but we bonded quite quickly over our mutual love of British TV series like Skins and The In Betweeners (and certain young English actors) and decided to chat over twitter about said shows using a #britishtvrocks hashtag. So if you're into British TV (whether you watch it on BBC America, Netflix, or beg your UK friends to send you DVDs), join us in our ongoing conversation about our favorite shows from across the pond. Oh, and if you don't care about British TV, check out Beti's blog anyway. She writes about empowered women who are living passionately and making a difference.

3. Sheila a.k.a XiaolinMama: I've met Sheila before at other summits and blog conferences, but this was the first time we really had the opportunity to hang out together. A fellow food lover, we went to with four other Blogalicious ladies to DeRodriguez Cuba at the Astor Hotel. Not only did most of us have the bacon-topped fufu of our lives, but Sheila got the signature dish, Rabo Encendido en Lata, which as you can see, came in a can! Not only is she an adventurous foodie, she's an enterprising woman who runs the Clever Girls Collective with three friends and business partners, and has one helluva sense of humor. They hosted a fantastic party where the main attraction was playing Just Dance 2. I did some Beyonce-like moves to "Crazy in Love" which were thankfully not videotaped for posterity -- although, then again, maybe my husband would get a kick out of it. Sheila gets bonus points for bringing her gorgeous friend Casey, who like me (and so many of us at the conference), is raising multi-culti kids.

4. LadyBrit just happened to be standing with Ellen waiting for food when we started chatting, and 30 seconds later we were gabbing about some of my favorite topics, namely Brooklyn, the Park Slope Food Coop, and British celebrities and films. It turns out the American Cancer Society is one of her clients, so we talked a lot about cancer awareness among minority groups, and how, of course, cancer is a subject that's close to my heart. She's also, for the record, got an amazing English accent that's ab-fab.

5. Liza a.k.a. LizaWasHere: While Liza (that's LIZ-a, not LIE-za) was fangirling over PunditMom, I ended up with a huge girl-crush on Liza, who is funny and smart and lovely and in one of those it's-a-small-world moments knows my old entertainment-journalism friend Lori Tharps, who not only grew up in the same city as Liza but also went to the same university.

 Favorite Swag:

1. Bali Leggings: Everyone who stopped by the Bali booth received a free pair of black Bali firm control leggings, and I LOVE mine. I wore them under a purple Gap dress that is just a tad too short for the autumn chill, and then added a cardigan and black shoes to coordinate. They're comfortable, form-fitting, attractive and trendy. I'm a size 14 and received compliments on them, so you don't have to be a size-2 to wear them. I can't say enough good things about them and plan to buy another pair when I get my next Macy's coupon.

2. Instead SoftCup: OK, I know it's not something most people talk about in mixed company, but these are a life-saver. You use a lot fewer of them than tampons or pads (they are good for 12 hours of use), they are relatively easy to use (especially if you, um, have had babies and aren't squeamish about your body), and they are a lot better for the environment than the alternatives. I highly recommend and am happy to answer questions if anyone wants to email me about specifics. My brothers and a couple of guy friends read this blog occasionally, so I'm gonna stop talking about menstrual cups now.

3. So-in-Style Barbie: Whoever thinks that only African American girls will play with a black Barbie has never met my daughter and her friends. My daughter, who as most of you know is of half-Latino, half-Chinese descent, and her pals, who are everything from platinum-blonde Caucasian to biracial to South African to Asian to everything in between, adore playing with these Barbies. This is the second one I've received at an event, and they're great, regardless of your child's racial make-up.

4. Mr. & Mrs. Mini-emergency Kit: The lovely folks at OnStar gave these out last year at Blogalicious, and mine was just about down to one nail file when lo and behold they were back with more this year. These emergency kits have come in handy more times than I can count, and if they hadn't been in the car or in my purse, I would've had to make last-minute stops at drugstores... or suffer disastrous consequences and wardrobe malfunctions.

5. The Wine Sisterhood gave us all a purple boa, a stemless wine glass with their adorable logo on it, and a T-shirt I can actually wear to something other than sleep. Their Sweet and Sassy Moscato and Rebel Red were yummy, and Kim and I even shot a video with the hosting BlogRollers ladies about how much we enjoyed unwinding in their wine-tasting suite. And no, neither of us got drunk at the suite.

Despite all of that, the absolute best part of the trip was getting to spend time with my local girls Kim and Leticia (pictured) again. We talked late into each night like middle-schoolers at a slumber party, and it was just what these mamas needed to focus on what blogging, for me at least, is really about -- relationships. Can't wait to do it all again next year.

 

Team WhyMommy's Virtual Science Fair

Susan, aka WhyMommy, is an easy woman to love. She's smart, generous, loving and kind. She's nothing short of amazing, and it has been such a pleasure knowing her for the past two years.

The first time I met Susan, she and Jean aka Stimey, were driving me to the DC Metro Moms launch party at Le Chat Noir in Friendship Heights. She was wearing a headscarf, and I immediately wondered if she had cancer but figured it wasn't something I should ask about so soon. As it turned out, I didn't need to ask, because the topic came up in the course of the drive, and she shared about IBC, which I'm ashamed to admit I had never heard of before that evening. I was in awe of her.

More than two years later I'm still in awe of Susan. In her honor, I decided not to do an actual science experiment so much as enjoy nature remembering her own family's love of the outdoors (and her boys' penchant for climbing trees!).

During Spring Break, my friend Mica and I took our kids to Jekyll Island, Georgia, where we took every available opportunity to ride bikes, take long, winding nature walks (we saw alligators, cranes, birds of prey, and tons and tons of bugs -- including Chiggers that live in the Spanish moss). The children climbed trees, swam, learned about sea turtles at the Georgia Turtle Rescue Center, and were in touch with the outdoors every single day. That's not something I always do here in the DC suburbs, but on this trip, I wanted the kids to experience nature, to appreciate what the natural world has to offer, to ask questions big and small, even if I don't always know the answer.

Susan, you are an inspiration. Your commitment to your children, to your husband, to science, to your friends, family and fellow mothers with cancer, has helped so many. I hope you feel loved today and every day as you battle cancer. We are here for you and can't wait to take a nature walk with you and your boys some day soon.

Thank you to Jean for setting up today's Virtual Science Fair!

Curly Girls Unite

I'm over at DC Metro Moms today discussing my relationship with my curly hair. My good friend over at West of the Loop also wrote about her curls today, and more specifically, how having a daughter with ringlets has affected her attitude about said curls. 

So today, I ask all of you curly haired mamas -- from the red-headed Irish lasses to brown-haired Jewish girls to multiracial girls with difficult-to-tame manes to Latinas who suffer through Dominican blow outs -- let's stop the self-hatred, OK? Don't spend thousands of dollars a year blowing your hair straight. Embrace your curls, if not for yourselves, for your daughters -- even if they don't have your curls!

Surviving A Solo Roadtrip With Kids

Every now and then I like to surprise people by doing something completely uncharacteristic. Before I started at Columbia, I went on a pre-orientation program that involved backpacking in the Catskills. I had never so much as climbed a wheelchair ramp before that, but I did it (not that it was easy). Over the holiday break, I did something similar when I decided that I would drive back home to Maryland from my sister's in Plant City, Florida.

See, my husband and I both drove down with the kids, but he had to return the day after we arrived to prepare for an important case. He wasn't sure he could come back down to drive back with me, so I either had to suck it up and do it myself or wait until he or my brother or brother-in-law could drive with me. The more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that I could do it, but only if I broke up the nearly 15 hour drive into more manageable chunks.

After a nauseating number of conversations with my husband (who has done 90% of the driving on all our previous roadtrips) and siblings (brother Jorge and brother-in-law Larry are experts, having driven long stretches since they were 16, my sister Diana has had to do her share driving with Larry from Texas to the East Coast when they lived in Fort Worth, and oldest brother Louis complains about driving anywhere out of the borough of Queens, but he was in on the planning nonetheless), we (and yes, I do mean it was a decision by committee -- I have never felt more like a baby sister) all agreed I should drive five hours a day for three days. Here's what it took for me to do the 1,000-mile trip, on my own, with three kids (ages nearly 8, newly 5, and 21 months) in tow:

1. Cleaning Up: My 2008 Honda Odyssey minivan was basically a pit after our drive TO Florida, so I knew I had to clean it out before attempting my trip FROM Florida. I found a local full-service car wash and pampered the minivan to a thorough wash, wax and vacuum. Sure, I knew the kids were going to muck it up again the moment they had their first snack in the car, but the wash (and more importantly, the interior job) created a blank slate of sorts for my trip.

2. Gearing Up: My Odyssey, thank heavens, has a built-in DVD player with two wireless headphones. I also own an after-market Garmin GPS, not that I really needed one, since it's basically I-95 North all the way home. It was mighty useful, though, since I stopped off to see a couple of friends along the way. In order to have hands-free conversations, I needed to buy a Bluetooth headset. After reading way too many reviews from fellow iPhone users, I settled on the Jawbone Prime. It's a good thing, too, because I had 23 cell conversations, most of them pep talks and check-ins with my husband, siblings and best friends. Who else was I going to talk to, with the two older kids blissed out on DVDs and the baby asleep?

3. Listening Up: I also bought several CDs, since I had to use the outlet to charge either my GPS or my iPhone. I figured when the iPhone wasn't charged, I would just go old school and listen to actual CDs. Since two-thirds of my six-CD changer was filled with children's music, I replaced them with the Glee soundtrack, Peter Gabriel's two-disc Hit, and The Best of Chaka Khan. The other two discs were Kings of Leon's Only By the Night, and an upbeat compilation "Vamos" my friend Dave made for a relay marathon he ran last fall. Nothing helps you stay awake like singing "Somebody to Love," "Sex is On Fire," "Tell Me Something Good," and "Don't Give Up" quite loudly again and again and again. On the plus side, I finally figured out what the chorus of "Games Without Frontiers" is (Jorge), and it's definitely not "She's so popular"; it's "Jeux sans frontieres" (the title in French). Cool, huh?

4. Fueling Up: My brother Jorge advised me not to drink anything while I was driving. That sounded good in theory (less drinking, less stopping to pee), BUT, this mama needs her caffeine. Trying to be "green," I bought a reusable coffee mug from Starbucks, but it had to be the worst designed travel mug I've ever owned. Unfortunately, it was the only style at the drive-through Starbucks in Plant City, so I had no choice, and I had no idea what a pain the arse it would be to use. The twist-top model required two hands to open, which is quite difficult when you're driving 70 miles-per-hour on I-95. I could NOT get it to open with one hand and ended up comically squeezing the mug with my thighs to add the leverage needed to open it. Needless to say, it's not ideal for solo drivers. At least the old friends I stopped to see both had fancy coffee makers, so the near-useless travel mug ended up worth the trouble.

5. Meeting Up: If you're really in a rush, there's no need to go out of your way to visit people on a roadtrip, but if you're like me and wanted a distraction or an excuse for a break, call, email, text, Tweet or Facebook-mail any friends you have along the way. I saw two of my oldest, dearest friends (both were among my wedding attendants), and it was a lovely way to start off the new year. The conversation and good coffee alone were reasons to stop, but they also provided a spot of fun for the kids, who in my opinion needed something to do rather than watch movies.

When I finally arrived in my driveway, I was on the phone with my brother Jorge. I squealed triumphantly, said "I did it!" and then promptly realized my house keys were not attached to my key-chain anymore. As Homer Simpson so eloquently says, "D'oh!" Thank God for neighbors with spare keys.

Memories of Our Friendship

 It's incredibly late, even by, say, grad-student standards. I can't sleep. It's 2:46AM, and I find my mind wondering. I decided to look in on Mami's Yahoo! account, which I do time to time, just to peruse the "Sent Box" and read my mother's email. I am sure some of you think that's an unforgivable betrayal of some sort, but I promise you my mother would be doing the exact same thing. She was nosy like that.

Of course, what I should've remembered I would find on the first page of the "Enviados" folder (Mami used Yahoo! in Spanish) was an exchange I had with one of my mother's oldest and dearest friends, Mario. He was her middle-school "boyfriend" in Colombia, who went on to become her life-long friend.

In fact, Mario was one of the last of Mami's friends to have an entire conversation with her. On her 67th birthday, September 22, 2008, he called from Barranquilla, and I happened to catch the call. I passed the phone to Mami, who was lying in bed, half asleep. I remember her perking up, smiling and lying to him about how she felt "fine" and how with God's help she would be well enough to attend their graduating class' 50th reunion this fall. She thanked for his call, for remembering her birthday, and for singing the traditional Spanish birthday song to her.

A little more than a week later -- on October 1 -- when Mami was in the hospice house, and we knew the end was near, I logged onto her Yahoo! account and saw an email from Mario, who didn't seem to know just how dire Mami's circumstances were. I sent him an email saying the following (in Spanish):

This is Sandra, Diana's daughter. Thanks for your message. I do not know if anyone has informed you, but my mom is very ill. We do not know why her condition has deteriorated so, so fast, but since a few days after her birthday she cannot walk and has no urge to eat or drink. The nurses do not think that Mami is going to live much longer -- maybe 2 or 3 more weeks.

Sorry, my Spanish isn't so great, but I wanted to tell you that Mami cannot talk on the phone anymore. If you want, you can send a message by e-mail, and I will read it to her when I get to Florida on Friday.

Thanks for being such a good friend.

With love,
Sandra, Diana's youngest daughter

Mario responded October 2, 2008 at 5:49 PM. He did not know that Mami had died at 11:10 that morning, before I made it back to Florida, before I could read one final message from her loving friend. Here's what he wrote:

Hi Diana:
You've been such a very special person to me. My memories of our friendship go as far back as when we were studying at the Colegio Americano. We always had such a lovely time talking about everything that came to mind. Ah, those days. Then you got married and you would tell me stories about how beautiful your children were and how your children were growing up. I had the opportunity to meet several of them and later on see photos of your grandchildren, and indeed you were right.

Later in life we reconnected and once again had the opportunity to share special moments together that made our friendship continue indelibly, and whenever I talk to you, I feel that friendship instantly resumed.

Dy, I hope that you know just how much you mean to me, and I pray that you will get better, so we can continue to have our beautiful conversations and have the opportunity to see each other again.

I pray to my God who is yours also to bestow many blessings on you and all members of your beloved family.

A big hug, a kiss and get better soon.
TQM  [I love you lots in Spanish],
Mario

What a friend my mother was! In some ways, as amazing a mother as she was, she was possibly, just possibly, an even better friend.

God, help me be the kind of friend who's worthy of such praise.

Photo: Mami, second from right, with her gym-class buddies, circa 1958

Good Food & Great Company

It's hard to impress me with a burger. I've some awesome burgers in my life -- Burger Joint, Island Burger & Shakes, Shake Shack, Good Burger, Jackson Hole, Pop Burger -- you name it. So when Devra & Sarah invited the DC Metro Moms and other area blogger pals to hang out at Top Chef contestant Spike Mendelsohn's Good Stuff Eatery in Capitol Hill, I was game to try yet another renowned burger place.

Thanks to Jess' mad driving skillz, we were two of the first ladies there, and after some catching up with the other moms, it was finally time to order our food. I had the Smokehouse burger and Village Fries with a chocolate shake topper. It was beyond delicious, and surprisingly the burger wasn't a giant, greasy mess. Definitely ranks as one of the top five burgers I've eaten -- ever!

The real treat, however, wasn't the amazing food but the awesome group of ladies I got to reconnect with. Along with the crew of DC moms I already knew, I got to meet Sue from My Party of 6, JJ from Caffeine and a Prayer, the adorably pregnant Diana from Diana Caffeinated, Claire Jess from Crunchy-Chewy Mama and a gaggle of very cool Amy/ie/s.

As most of you who are reading along know, I've had an awful year. I'm sad a lot. I cry a lot. This Mother's Day is shaping up to be the worst day ever, so getting out and just having fun was simply the best.

Thanks to Devra & Sarah for hosting the event, Chef Spike for the memorable food, and especially to Quaker, for sponsoring it and donating to the Capital Area Food Bank in our honor.