Urban Mama

Fertility For Granted

My children are the result of three unplanned pregnancies, conceived while my husband and I were actively using birth control. I've had zero miscarriages. I feel simultaneously blessed and guilty about these facts.

Right at this moment, my brother's wife is at the obstetrician's office wondering if she's still pregnant with her second baby due in February. She and my brother have a beautiful 2.5-year-old daughter, but her first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, so this third pregnancy has been fraught with a fear and anxiety I can't completely imagine. I understand the fear and anxiety of wondering if your baby is healthy, but not the kind that makes you wonder if your baby will continue to exist, continue to grow in your womb.

So many women have experienced the sorrow of losing a pregnancy, but experiencing it more than once seems downright cruel. I send prayers and healing thoughts to my brother and his wife. I hope their pregnancy is viable, that their baby simply hiding from the doppler, that their amazing daughter will still get to be a big sister.

If you have a faith, please pray for them. If you don't, please hope for the best. Our family has shed so many tears this year already.

Edited to add: My sister-in-law just confirmed that she did have a miscarriage.

My Dream Birth

I posted about my third (and last!) birth at DC Metro Moms (it was a special topic day about Birth and Adoption stories) earlier this week. Find out why my final birth was the sweetest.

A Year In the Life

We moved to the DC burbs one year ago last week. Here's a quick look at the past year in Urban Mama land:

• April  2007: We tearily bid farewell to our Brooklyn home, our New York lives, family and friends and move to downtown Silver Spring, Md. Our new apartment is 300 square-feet larger but 300 times more boring than our former place. The kids go to a cooperative preschool in DC; The husband starts working at his new lawfirm, and I deal with navigating life as a freelancer in DC.
• May 2007: I make my first return trip to NYC for the Tribeca Film Festival.The husband and kids join me, and we visit many friends in Brooklyn and my brother's family in Queens. I cry through the streets of Tribeca wondering why we moved.
• June  2007: We discover a family friend's niece is a realtor down here and start looking for a house. The husband and I celebrate our sixth anniversary. The kids and I enjoy going to the apartment building's pool most afternoons. We return to NYC a second time to house and dog-sit for an acquaintance in Brooklyn. We once again feel seriously homesick.
• July 2007: We find a house we really like but by the time we're ready to to bid, someone else has already put in a contract. The following week, I find a newly listed home, and my awesome realtor gets me a preview. After the husband visits during the Open House, we decide to put in a contract the following day. The contract is accepted, and the closing is set for August. We go to NYC a third time and live it up once again. The husband and I go on our one and only flight of the year -- at trip to New Mexico for our dear friend Elizabeth's wedding.
  
• Aug. 2007: I quickly realize the "flu" I think I have feels eerily like first-trimester symptoms. But surely that's not it, since I have an IUD. The husband remembers we have an old, unopened pregnancy test I can take. There's a faint, faint, barely-there line. After four more tests and a trip to the hospital, we come to terms with the fact that I am, in fact, pregnant. We close on our house, and I nearly vomit at the proceedings. The Schmoop starts kindergarten.
  
• Sept. 2007: We move into our new house, and I realize that there is no way I can unpack while still having the actue pukeyness of first trimester life. I decide to have a homebirth and meet my amazing midwife for the first time. We rack up a lot of new-homeowner expenses. My mom comes to visit for the first time since we moved. I turn 31.
  
• Oct. 2007: No more morning, noon & night sickness. I start getting to know my neighbors and realize this suburbs thing isn't as bad as it first seemed. We celebrate our first Halloween (as parents) outside of Brooklyn. Despite missing the crowded streets of NYC, we're delighted not to have to deal with mobs of kids outside of every stoop.
• Nov. 2007: We go back to New York for the Marathon, where we stay directly on the marathon's path at our friends' brownstone.The Schmoopette turns three! We host our first holiday -- Thanksgiving with 2/3rds of my siblings and their families. The cousins have a ball running around the house. I cry when my last sibling leaves town and wish we all lived in the same city.
• Dec. 2007: We host our second holiday -- Christmas with my mom, my in-laws and one of the husband's aunts and her family of three. For New Year's, my oldest brother comes down with his brood and we thank God for my mom making it another year with cancer.
• Jan. 2008: My mom has to have surgery that leaves her with a colostomy. My siblings and I are on the phone with each other several times a day. She pulls through and stays at my sister's in Central Florida. I feel helpless being 30+ weeks pregnant and unable to go down and help.
• Feb. 2008: The Schmoop, our Superbowl Sunday 2001 baby, turns six on Superbowl Sunday. The husband turns 33 three days later. We have an un-Valentine's Day "Lost" celebration, but our plans for a last-hurrah weekend away go to pot when the husband's case schedule interferes. I have early contractions and am advised to stay on modified bedrest for a few days. No baby, though.
• March 2008: We (well, OK, *I*) have our third child in a birthtub in our basement rec-room. It's my most fulfilling, empowering birth experience. Life with a newborn begins again after a three year and four month break. We all fall in love with our new itty bitty boy. Our family feels complete, but I still yearn for another birth and a baby sister for the Schmoopette. The husband feels quite differently and schedules a vasectomy.
• April 2008: Here we are one year later, and although we still (and maybe will always) miss living in New York, we have grown to love our little butter-yellow home with the white picket fence. We have many blessings to count down here -- our neighbors, our old friends, our new friends. And our family is larger by one tiny person we all adore.

Urban Mama Recommends: Earth Mama * Angel Baby Products

A few weeks before I gave birth, I read about the Earth Mama * Angel Baby product line and was excited to try them for myself. The Oregon-based company specializes in organic, phthalate-free labor, postpartum, breastfeeding and baby products. I was especially eager to use the Natural Labor Companion CD and Labor Ease Kit during my homebirth. Unfortunately, because baby J was 18 days early, I received the shipment of goods two days AFTER he was born. As it turned out, my birth was so relaxed and fast I wouldn't have had much use for most of the items, so I called EMAB and was told I could return any unopened products for a merchandise credit. That was good news, since my husband swears this is our last baby.

Although the labor products weren't opened, I knew the postpartum items would still come in handy even a couple of days late. Here is a list of my mama-tested, mama-approved EMAB goods*:

Earth Mama Bottom Balm: I did not have any perineal tears, but any mama who has experienced a vaginal delivery is sore and swollen down there. This herbal salve (no petroleum by-products, no parabens) feels a bit like Vicks on your fingers, but it is so much better. It definitely makes your bruised and sensitive parts feel tingly. It heals and cools, and it's all-around a must-have for any mama after a vaginal birth.

Postpartum Tea: I am a picky tea drinker. Not in a snobby way; I just find most tea too bitter, so I end up putting too much milk and honey in it, which masks the taste. But my husband insisted I try this one straight. It's actually quite good, but I still put a teensy dollop of honey in my cup.

New Mama Bottom Spray: This is my favorite postpartum product. It's a cooling spray made of witch hazel, antibacterial lavender, and peppermint essential oils. I sprayed it all over my sore bits and also on my maxi pads. I am still using it, just for kicks. If I were ever to have another baby (which is unlikely, but since many of you might still have a baby or two in your future), I would pre-treat a bunch of maxi pads and then freeze them before delivery.

Organic Baby Shampoo and Body Wash: We don't give baby J a bath every day but when we do (actually, in our house, the husband bathes the baby and then passes him off to me as I wait with the hooded towel) we use this mild shampoo & body wash. It's got a self-foaming pump, since the castile soap itself has no foaming agents.

Angel Baby Bottom Balm: I use this every day, especially after the baby had his first diaper rash. It's a rich and creamy balm, and you only need a little bit to go a long way. Plus, it can be used with cloth diapers, which is a relief. So far, so good.

*These items were purchased for my birth and postpartum recovery

Introducing the Schmoopadoo, now with name and gender!

The Schmoopadoo has arrived! His name is Jonah Thomas, and he came into the world at 10:32 AM Thursday morning. He has a shock of black hair, full little lips and no eyebrows. He weighed 7lb, 14 oz. and was 20 3/4" long.

And now for the specifics:
My water broke some time between 2:50 and 3:00 AM. Thursday. As it turns out, the husband had JUST made up the bed according to the midwife's instructions: clean sheets, covered by a waterproof pad, covered by older sheets on top. The husband was in bed with the Schmoopette in her bed, and the Schmoop had come into our bed after looking for lip balm in our bathroom (he has perpetually chapped lips) and conking out after giving me a hug in bed. All of a sudden, I felt a lot of fluid gushing out and called the husband to bring me a towel. (Thank God for the bag of Depends I had bought -- thanksto an online friend for the tip! -- in preparation for the lochia after birth.) I went back to bed, but I couldn't really sleep, seeing as even the tiniest movement meant a geyser of fluid coming out of my body.

At around 6:30, I started feeling mild contractions. Nothing major, so I waited another hour to call my midwife at around 7:30. She said to call back in another hour or so to see if the contractions were getting harder/longer. Shortly after talking to her, the kids got up, and I decided to go to "birth central" -- i.e. the basement rec-room. We knew we could send E on the bus, which stops RIGHT in front of our house, at 8:45, but getting D to pre-school was trickier. I had found someone to bring her home, but not drop her off. Somewhere around this time, the husband half-filled our rented birth tub and decided to take D himself, since my contractions were longer but still manageable. I just kept staring at my labor candle and listening to my labor playlist on iTunes.

The husband left at around 9:00. I was alone, but I felt fine. My contractions at this point were requiring the birth ball to manage, but I still didn't think I was very far along. I filled the rest of the tub, thinking I'd want to start laboring there soon. Joey, my amazing midwife, called at 9:16 to say she was on her way, and the husband got home at 9:30. I got in the tub at around 9:45. I told the husband the contractions were closer together and more intense, but that they didn't feel like I was close to transitioning.

When Joey arrived at around 10, I was having to close my eyes, visualize, and hang off the side of the tub to relax during my contractions. I asked if she should check me, and she said "OK," but she wanted to take my temp and get the baby's heartbeat first. Then she asked where some of the birth supplies were, and got a few things ready. I had a couple of contractions more and then said: "I feel like I have to push," but the husband had inexplicably gone upstairs, so I was clinching my legs. He came down and mentioned going to rearrange the carseats in the minivan, and I just shook my head no -- I couldn't talk during my contractions anymore!

At approximately 10:20, the birth assistant/doula Bobbie arrived. I can't say for sure, because I wasn't really paying attention to the time. At 10:22 or so, I moved into a kneeling position, holding on to the side of the tub. I just let my body take control and push when I needed to push and rest when I needed to rest. Joey and Bobbie were incredibly supportive, telling me I was doing a great job, to just relax and push whenever I felt like it. I remember asking if the baby had crowned, and in another moment feeling his head when Bobbie said to feel for myself.

I could feel ever sensation as his head moved down, crowned, and emerged. Then the shoulders and the body slipped out. I reached down, turned around and put him to my chest. It was amazing. I smiled, cried, and remember saying, quite selfishly, "I did it!" The first time Joey had to touch me was to help me move my leg, as I had twisted the cord around it when I turned over! I never had an internal, an IV, mandatory fetal monitoring or any of the other interventions I had experienced at my first birth at a hospital-attached birth center. Despite having had two natural, unmedicated births, this was my most satisfying, which is appropriate, since it was my last.

Not Ready For Baby

WARNING: If you have not had a baby or are a male relative of mine, you may want to skip this first paragraph

I have a distinct feeling that this baby is going to be early. In fact, I've had several days of contractions, and yesterday had a scary couple of hours when I thought my water was beginning to leak. It turned out NOT to be amniotic fluid, although apparently it is possible to have a slow, steady trickle instead of the gushing geyser like I experienced with E. I had been losing my mucus plug most of the week, so I knew it wasn't that -- that's all gooey and gelatinous looking. It also wasn't pee, so my midwife's educated guess is that it's just copious amounts of discharge. Fun!

Because of the contractions (which feel weird, because I didn't feel these really early contractions with my other pregnancies... you know, the ones leave you walking around 4cm dilated for the last few weeks of your pregnancy), and the fact that my midwife doesn't feel comfortable letting me birth at home until Monday, when I'm officially 36 weeks, she's asked me to stay rested and completely hydrated as much as possible. That doesn't mean once I get up and move around more that I'll immediately be in labor by any means. But once it's Monday and I get the "all clear" for a homebirth I can resume my usual life of shuttling kids around, shopping, working, etc, without fear of definitely being transferred to the hospital.

The husband freaked out and went into crazy nesting mode -- clearing out the basement, figuring out the AquaDoula (birth tub) instructions, buying last-minute supplies like mattress pads, snacks, tea, TRISCUITS (his snack of choice while I give birth) etc. He even put together the Graco Sweetpeace I was given by the Graco marketing folks a couple months back. All this after getting home between 9 and 11 every night. Have I mentioned a case the husband's working on is going to trial in one week?

So thank God for two set of neighbors. One brought me dinner yesterday and the other (the baker with the four girls) is having the kids over for a two-hour playdate. Then she's sending BACK her 15-year-old to help me with bedtime. Isn't that sweet? And thanks to the husband setting the Crockpot this morning, all I have to do is shovel some chicken stew into bowls for them (and me) in an hour or so, when they return from their playdate.

Anyhow, as much as I think it would be cool to have a Leap Day Baby, we're just not ready yet. We need this weekend, and preferably one or two more weeks!

Getting Ready for Baby #3

Nearly four years ago, when I was the easy-going mama of one two-year-old, I compiled a New Mama Survival Kit. Now that I have a three and nearly-six-year-old, here's how I stack up against that old list:

* Baby Carrier/Sling: My personal faves: Baby Bjorn; Kangaroo Korner Adjustable Fleece Pouch; New Native Carrier; Maya Wrap; Sling E-Zee; Rosado.

Right now, I only have a the Kangaroo Korner Pouch, but it's very baggy and not fit for a newborn after so much use. I plan on indulging my babywearing love with a few new slings/pouches/carriers, since there are SO many more to choose from right now. I'd skip the Baby Bjorn altogether now, unless my husband insisted on wearing it.

* Breastfeeding Supplies: Lansinoh cream and disposable pads; Soothies; electric double pump; ">Mother's Milk Storage Bags; Avent Isis Hand Pump

I've heard there are better hand-pumps out there than the Isis, and my sister-in-law will return my Medela Pump-'N-Style. Mothers' Milk bags I can order online from BirthandBaby.com and the cream and Soothies are widely available, unlike four years ago.

*My Brest Friend or Boppy to help newborn nursing sessions

I gave both away, but I think I can get a MBF from the consignment shop and my Boppy back from a friend.

*Gymini or other activity blanket

I have NO idea what happened to my Gymini, but I'm guessing I can get one from a friend.

*Anita, Bravado and Medela nursing bras

I used to have almost 20 nursing bras after nursing two years 'til they were past two. I gave a bunch away to a close friend, but I'm not sure I should expect them, so it's back to square one.

*Tiny Love Symphony Mobile

This isn't really necessary, so I'm not worried. What was 27-year-old me thinking?

*Taggies or other cute blanket for baby playtime
Taggies ARE cute and useful, but if I don't get one, any old baby blanket the baby can nuzzle is fine.

*Stroller & carseat footmuffs: Eckert and Bundle Me

I kept my Eckert and Bundle Me but they're the toddler versions. I'll need to get a smaller stroller bunting for the baby's first winter.

*Baby Einstein DVD collection

I have plenty, because I've received them gratis from Disney, but I am actually hoping not to show the Schmoopadoo these DVDs if I can help it.

*Lamaze My First Mirror and other Stage 1 toys

I THINK I kept a bunch of E & D's newborn toys, but I do love the Lamaze collection -- especially the little mirror and fishbowl.

*Kolcraft Universal Carseat stroller (if your stroller doesn't accept carseats)

While this was incredibly practical for about six months, I think most newer strollers have carseat adapters, so it's not necessary for me to re-purchase.

What I DO have that I'm excited to try out is a brand-new Graco Sweetpeace that I received from the generous Graco folks at the DC Metro Moms launch party. I'm the pregnant blogger the amazing Susan mentions. It's not just a swing, it was created with both convenience and the baby's soothing needs in mind. Neither of my older two kids liked being in anything, but I'm keeping fingers crossed that the Schmoopadoo will want to hang out in the Sweetpeace for at least half-an-hour a day, so I can shower or make dinner or play with the older two and whatnot. My favorite parts of it are that you can plug in your iPod -- with a lullaby playlist, natch -- and you can swaddle the baby with the attached blanket.

The Baby Has Turned!

After four weeks of certainty that the baby was breech, my midwife has confirmed that the baby is indeed in the head down position -- at least for now. That's amazing news, because I had begun obsessing over every suggestion and success story at Spinning Babies to figure out a way to turn the baby. I was spending at least 15 minutes each evening doing pelvic tilts (cat/cow yoga positions), sitting on the floor, crawling around, and even raising my butt onto the side of the sofa to help the baby flip.

It turns out all those kicks I felt low on my belly were probably fetal punches. This baby has quite the jab. I am relieved and can resume preparing for a homebirth as usual. At this point I know some of you are wondering why ANYONE would want a homebirth, but I've wanted one since my first birth, and this being my last (if the husband and his urologist have anything to say about it), I want to do it at home, in a birthing tub, without anxious residents or constant fetal monitors anywhere near me. My other two children were born, for the record, in hospital-attached birth centers in NYC. No epidurals, no episiotomies, no inductions, so I'm a perfect candidate for a homebirth.

Anyhow, I have a little over two months to go, and I'm thrilled  to know No. 3 is in the right place.

Remembering Scary Ultrasounds

When I was pregnant with my daughter three years ago, I had a series of scary ultrasounds full of "soft markers" -- the kind of minor warning signs that instantly make sonographers go quiet and immediately call in the doctor. I detailed those ultrasounds here and here and ever since have received a relatively steady flow of emails from concerned expectant mothers and fathers undergoing the same nerve-wracking process of wondering whether their babies are healthy.

The Schmoopette's markers included mild ventriculomegaly ("A normal lateral ventricle is not much larger than 7.5-8 mm. Anything over 10 but less than 15 mm is considered mild ventriculomegaly. Well, the Schmoopette's right ventricle measures at 9 mm and the left at a troubling 12 mm."); choroid plexus cyst in her brain; and an echogenic intracardial focus (looks like a bright spot on the heart). On their own, each of these markers isn't an issue, but together they ring the alarm bell for "something could possibly be wrong with your baby." In most cases, more ultrasounds and even an amnio are the advised course of action, even if, to put it bluntly, you are beyond the second trimester cutoff for termination.

I am revisiting this painful time in my last pregnancy, because I want to let all of those parents who find my posts in Google searches for those rare medical terms know that my daughter was born healthy. She had no chromosomal abnormalities, and each of the markers self corrected/disappeared. She did have a head sono shortly after birth and again at three months, but both showed normal ventricular size.

That being said, I know how blessed my husband and I are that she is fine. One mother who emailed me from Britain was not so lucky. Her hopes and dreams for a "just fine" outcome were dashed when two separate OB specialists confirmed that her baby had devastating chromosomal problems. He would not survive the pregnancy, even, so the doctors recommended termination. It was a heartbreaking outcome, and I felt awful at my presumptuous email saying "it will all be OK; you'll see."

The truth is, I have no idea if someone else's identically troublesome ultrasound will result in an identically happy outcome, just as I had no clue as I pushed my daughter out if she would have some rare genetic disease that the amnio didn't test for... I was so scared, and I join these Internet-searching parents-to-be in their doubt, their sleepless nights, their heartbreak of not knowing. I can only tell them that my pregnancy, my baby, my child was alright in the end. But that's just me and my story.

And for those of you wondering, I had my 20-week ultrasound two weeks ago, and this baby had NO markers at all. I even made the sonographer double check the ventricles and the heart, and he/she is A-OK. I cried in the car afterward, grateful not to have to worry right now, even though as we all know, there are no guarantees.

Delicate Line Between Life and Death

A friend of mine, who was due at the same time as I am, had a miscarriage last week. It was a second-trimester miscarriage, and it was anyone can imagine, devastating. I know everyone has a different opinion about when life starts, but to my friend, she had lost a baby. A desired baby she and her husband had hoped and prayed for. A baby her preschool-aged daughter was aware of already.

I have never had a miscarriage. I have no idea what that emotional and physical pain feels like. I have had several loved ones die -- I'd been to more than six funerals by time I was 16 -- but I can't comprehend losing a pregnancy. Among my sisters and sisters-in-law we've had 10 pregnancies and only one miscarriage, and my sister-in-law's miscarriage was in the first trimester and she got pregnant again just a few months later.

My friend is grieving, and I grieve with her acutely aware of the fact that my growing belly should be hers as well. I don't know the right words to say or the right things to do. To those of you who've experienced a miscarriage, I ask: What did friends do that helped? How did you deal with friends who were pregnant at the same time?